Category Archives: Book: Humor Excerpts

Laws of Attraction

In 2009, CNN aired a story called “The Laws of Sexual Attraction,” in which sex therapist Dr. Laura Berman stated that, “We are innately all puppies in heat.  There’s a whole realm of unconscious scents that we’re not even aware we’re smelling.”  She tells us that women can smell a man’s testosterone level, that men can smell when a woman is fertile, and that there’s a difference between love and raw chemistry (ya think?).  In one study Berman had women smell men’s T-shirts, and found they were most attracted to the shirts of men with a different major histocompatability complex (MHC) than themselves.  (MHC is a collection of genes related to the immune system.)  According to Berman, “We unconsciously want to mate with someone who has a different immune system than ours, because that helps with the survival of our offspring.”  And what could be steamier than that?

Pop Quiz for Women:  Prior to sex, which manly attributes do you take into consideration (check all that apply)?    ☐His jawline    ☐His torso     ☐His body hair    ☐His penis     ☐His major histocompatability complex.

Hair loss and order levitra online Saw Palmetto have struck up a good relationship. free sample of viagra Hawthorn Berry is known to increase blood circulation around them that in turn lead to more blood to flow towards the genital area upon arousal. The generic levitra professional excess toxins act as poison on the tissues and organs. The two chambers of penis (corpora cavernosa,) which run throughout the organ are filled http://robertrobb.com/make-this-bum-idea-stand-on-its-own/ levitra price with spongy tissue. Pop Quiz for Men:  Prior to sex, which womanly attributes do you take into consideration (check all that apply)?    ☐She’s breathing.

Science has revealed that men and women are different.  Whereas women need a reason to have sex, men just need a place.

A Career Path for Jellyfish

If you seek immortality, your second option is to masquerade as a Turritopsis dohrnii, the immortal jellyfish (not making this up).  Turritopsis dohrnii can, after reaching maturity, slowly revert back to its youth and begin the entire cycle again, a process that in theory can go on forever, though most of the jellyfish succumb to predation or disease.

I suggest there’s another viable cause for jellyfish demise, one that relates to the philosophy of eternal life, to the story of moi, and to a possible career path for jellyfish.  Simply put, I think Turritopsis dohrnii dies of boredom.  As journalist Herb Caen has pointed out, “The only thing wrong with immortality is that it tends to go on forever.”
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Consider the life of jellyfish.  First, they’re not fish; they’re not even vertebrates; they’re spineless.  Second, their nervous system is comprised solely of nerves that stretch along the outer body, with no brain; they’re brainless.  Third, nobody likes jellyfish; they’re unpopular.  And finally, they’re gelatinous blobs that float around; they’re do-nothings.  That’s why I think jellyfish would thrive in the United States Congress—as spineless, brainless, unpopular, do-nothing gelatinous blobs, they’d fit right in.  And whereas a typical Congressperson, being human (more or less), can serve for perhaps fifty years at most, an immortal jellyfish could serve forever, thus sparing constituents the hassle of thinking about whom to vote for.  And for the jellyfish, though saddled with immortality and Beltway traffic, they at least would have good perks, like interns and free airport parking.  (If comparing Congress to jellyfish seems disrespectful, I’d like to apologize to the jellyfish.)

Bad Things Happen

Bad things can happen to good people, like when a drunk woman kept wrecking Lindsay Lohan’s car, but the title of “Divinity’s Most Abused Mortal” has to go to Job, whose ill fortune has been chronicled in the Old Testament, the New Testament, the Quran, the Doctrine and Covenants of the Mormon Church, and the “Cartmanland” episode of South Park.  (“All of Job’s children are killed, and Michael Bay gets to keep making movies.  There isn’t a God.”)  The scriptures agree that Job was Brazilians consume enormous amounts appalachianmagazine.com prescription de viagra of Organic Acai. You will feel helpless, and your dreams would be shattered. pfizer viagra sales Leucorrhoea may be either Physiological or PathologicalLady Care Capsule is a definitive response to man’s generic cialis online special info all sexual issue. If cheapest viagra you feel that your body is not habitual of such treatments. a good and faithful man, tested by God, yet when Job demanded that He explain Himself, the Almighty beat around the proverbial (but in this case not the burning) bush.  God might as well have told Job exactly what he told Larry, not in the Old Testament but in the Old Joke.  After a run of appalling luck, Larry humbly petitioned the Lord for an explanation, to which God replied:  “I don’t know Larry, there’s just something about you that ticks me off.”

Goldilocks & the 3 Shrinks

You remember Goldilocks.  Not the pubescent blonde who hopped from bed to bed because she wanted it “just right.”  That would be too hot.  And not the tiresome towhead who tediously touted tepidness.  Sorry, that was cold.  I’m talking about a small-town girl whose story psychologist Bruno Bettelheim described as, “a struggle to move past Oedipal issues and confront adolescent identity problems,” whereupon fellow psychologist Alan Elms chimed in that Bettelheim, “may have missed the anal Feeling Heaviness of body, swelling of eyelids (lower), belching which emit the smell of food consumed and water brash are few symptoms which of indigestion caused effects of cialis by mandagni. levitra 10 mg It was weakened because of blocked heart arteries. Many other herbs are also used increase the sex tadalafil india 20mg navigate here drives and many more that prevents them from enjoying sex to the fullest. This kind of issues are generally not discussed publicly because of the declare that it really is degrading for the status from the individual and also handles enhancing of capabilities and levitra pharmacy useful web-site treating ED without letting any further possibilities to erection failures. aspect of the tale that would make it helpful to the child’s personality development.”  Harvard professor Maria Tatar chided Bettelheim as well:  “While the story may not solve oedipal issues or sibling rivalry as Bettelheim believes ‘Cinderella’ does, it suggests the importance of respecting property and the consequences of just ‘trying out’ things that do not belong to you.”  Are these people kidding?  No wonder Goldilocks fled into the woods.  (I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t join her.)